when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
