I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
