So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
