just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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