she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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