I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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