The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we should paint friendship bongs
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
