well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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