in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
