So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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