Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
