Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
