Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
