I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
