literally had 100 drinks last night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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