Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
