he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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