HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
