wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
