I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
