Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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