toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
