loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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