My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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