At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
