Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
