Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
