Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
