the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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