Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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