Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
being pregnant is like rehab
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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