I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
