I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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