Don't make out with my wife yet
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
