dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
