it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
