Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
