You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
