I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
