I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
