I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
His hands were made for my vagina.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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