I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
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Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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