matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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