i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
