if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
