You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
