maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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