I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
