Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
