i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Did I show you my penis last night?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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