Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
