I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
