RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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