im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize