When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
