he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
