Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
