If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
