Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
