my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
